Thank You for Letting Me Go When I didn’t Know How

We’re supposed to be celebrating, but we’re over years ago.

I am crazy with the idea that somehow we’ll find each other again. When in reality, life is not as romantic as that.

Years in exile without him is hard and doesn’t make sense. Am I overreacting? Why do I hold on to something that’s no longer exists? I found myself and I forget about him slowly. But he’s not gone. My heart got bigger, he got smaller, but he’s still there.

One day when I saw his name on my phone after I had even forgotten his contact in my phone, the little piece started to grow again. You know the saying, you fall in love the way you fall asleep. Slowly, then all at once? I’m afraid that’s what happened when you came out of nowhere, back in my life. The familiarity felt warm. It was too comfortable, but I put my guards up. It’s just a bonus, I thought. I’m trying my best to prevent myself to be trapped in the trap when it was just his whim.

Turned out it didn’t stop there. You came again a few times. The feeling was too comfy, I fell asleep. Little did I know, you didn’t see it the way I see it. You just followed your whim, while here I was, thinking we were finding each other again.

Then the night of realization, I was too stunned to speak. Just after you hang the phone, I cried so again. It’s been so long since the last time I heartfelt that kind of pain, but the feeling was still familiar like it's only yesterday I felt that. It was the reason why I was starting to think of ending the relationship. I didn't -and still- don’t know whether I’m strong enough to bear the pain. You’ve hurt me and I’ve hurt you so many times before. But that kind of pain is too massive for me. Always anxious to find a slight hint if you still love me. Never-ending thoughts about you’re staying because I’m so permissive, not because you love me.

But the familiarity made me insane. I crave you. I crave the illusion that we’re getting there when you made it clear a few times that you’re not thinking about that at all at the moment. I kept on going, thinking maybe one day you’ll go soft and I could make you want what I want. 

I’m trying to let myself go from you but you pulled me back again when you don’t want anything from me. One day I woke up and I realized it is so sad. What’s the point of finding myself again when at the end of the day I don’t even respect myself?

Hence, I think this is the end of my illusion. Months restraining myself from falling back to the same trap, I just want you to know that whatever I didn’t do to you, I almost do. But we want different things, and I hurt myself by playing along with your whim. I did hope that we’ll end up together, really. But today I let go of that hope and decided I’m no longer want that. 

I hope you live your life to the fullest the way you want it to be. I hope I can start my life peacefully, find myself, find my partner, find my family. Thank you for everything. It’s time for me to stop searching for the things that I want in the same place I lost them.

I love you always. But I’m letting go for real this time. See you on the other side.

It sucks to be a hopeless romantic. Can’t stop wondering if I can find love again, but to love myself is enough as a starter.