Day 3 - The Day I Gave in to My Illogical Fear
It was one normal day at my high school. It all started when few of my classmate told me they will be joining a pageant (which the brain kind of had a bigger proportion than the looks, so we were quite confident). The pageant was held by one of a private university in Indonesia. My friends asked me if I want to join them. After contemplating for quite a short time, I decided to join.
Fast forward, the first step was a panel interview. It was my very first interview. All I could remember was me talking about Harry Potter. At one point they asked me which Hogwarts subject is my favorite. All of a sudden, I couldn’t think of anything. All I remember was Professor Snape’s face looking at me with disgust. Then I told them potion is my favorite subject. Now when I recall, I should’ve said DADA.
I got into the second step. All the participants needed to take a quiz. The quiz was quite easy since the questions were very general. Turned out, after the quiz, a lot of participants were eliminated. Surprisingly, I was chosen to be one of the top 10 finalist. Of 4 people that came from my school reduced to 2 people, including me. I should’ve been proud, but all I could feel was my anxiety kicked in. What should I do next? I should've never join this competition. I am here only because of my luck. What if at one point I will embarrass myself?
There was a photo session a few days after. I can't remember why but I couldn’t join them. Maybe because I wanted to quit so bad, but I didn’t know how. My parents were confused seeing their emotionally unstable daughter didn’t even know what she wants. But my parents supported and convinced me and drove me to the next step. On the step 3, me and another finalist was sent to a village which was quite left behind. It was very close to the suburb, but very different. Our assignment was to learn about the problem in that village, then offer a solution. I was paired with a very beautiful new friend of mine named ‘J’. J is very pretty and nice, even though I was intimidated by her at first. After a moment of monitoring the village, we presented our findings and offered our solutions to the panel.
Here come the last step. We were going to stay in a hotel for two days. Then on the final night, there were going to be a debate between participants, and crowning night. That moment my parents told me they'll be going to Bandung. I also had some unimportant high school event which at that moment felt like it was a big deal for me. Then, the next thing I did was one thing that I regret the most to this day.
I resigned from the competition. My LO was so nice, she even offered to pick me up and drove me to the hotel. But I can’t. My parents wouldn’t be there for me. I haven’t rent a dress for my final night. I was a stupid high schooler who didn’t think straight and torn between going to the unimportant high school event or to the crowning night. Then I decided I wouldn’t go.
If I could turn back time, I'd go to the crowning night with all that I have. But I can't. The show goes on. The winner was chosen. At the end of the day, that night, I didn’t go anywhere. Not even to my high school event. Even back then, I only thought that I regret not going to the unimportant event rather than the crowning night.
Day goes by. My LO asked for my address because she wanted to give me my finalist certificate. I told her I am very sorry. She told me it’s ok. Then she told me, after the step 3, The panel gave me a very high score. I could be the winner if I try, but I didn’t. She felt sorry for me.
It wasn’t a decent memory at all. But it always made me think. I don’t want to regret something like this anymore just because I’m afraid to try. Back then I was very insecure about my English, so I’m scared that I’m going to make clown out of myself. Little did I know, the clown was born that night.
Anyways, I promise myself it won’t happen again. I won’t lose before I try. Some might think I am being ambitious for nothing. But I know myself enough that I'm doing this so the future Dina won't look back and regret the things she didn't do. I wish all the best to my former LO, to J, and all of new friends that I made back then. We grew apart, but still, I am wishing all the best for them
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